It might be a swallow if a mother recovers your child on the schoolyard. Or if the neighbor puts your child a candy. And just picking up an unknown baby because it cries is really not done. Who can interfere with the education of your child?
A tribe lives in Congo where all mothers raise each other’s baby, says future -anthropologist Roanne van Voorst. That is handy, because a baby drinks a lot and often in the first months. If a grandma, aunt or neighbor can take over a food, it relieves the mother.
In the West that is unthinkable. “That feels like crossing a border. Breastfeeding is something here between mother and child, even in public is sometimes complicated. But when I travel to Thailand or Indonesia, they just grab my crying child from the buggy to comfort her.”
Breastfeeding each other’s children was a normal paid profession in the Netherlands only a few generations ago, says Van Voorst. Now we live in a time and culture in which we attach great importance to individual choices, says the anthropologist. “That is why we have trouble involving interference.”
Criticism often makes parents uncertain
Young parents can sigh considerably when a grandmother says: “If your child only lets me for a week, you will see how well she eats and listens.”
“That is not nice to hear,” says educatist Marlies Rekers. “It degrades you as a parent, and perhaps you are already uncertain about that. Moreover, strange eyes can force, so that children sometimes quickly adapt to the standards of someone else.”
We no longer live in a community with neighbors who have been living side by side for generations, with aunts, uncles, grandfathers and grandmothers who give advice, take over, with whom you can copy the parenting art.
Everywhere we are in our own bubble, in our own unit of the nuclear family and we show our best side to the outside world. Van Voorst: “If someone criticizes, or advice, then we often find that difficult. What do we think? Then we think. Don’t you think that the advice or the involvement is not embedded in confidence.” While it can also give air like a neighbor a drift shower from our toddler. This makes it all less heavy.
The lack of a community is sometimes quite a loss, also thinks Rekers. “If only you and your partner are allowed to correct the children, chances are that they will not care about the comments of other adults and sometimes even brutally respond to them.”
Van Voorst recently wrote the book Life Hopen , in which famous Dutch people with young children fantasize about the future. The need for a community is there, she notes. Think of co-living, parents who start a childcare together or give home education together. “Young parents are searching. That lonely way of parenting has disadvantages, especially if we all have to work.”
We would like to secretly want advice, thinks Van Voorst. “But then only from people we find and who have a lot of experience. People who have read and know a lot. And preferably especially from people who find something that we ourselves find a bit.”
When is involvement right? Addressing a child of someone else if there is kicking or beaten? Yes, then as an outsider you can get involved, says Reker. “I recently spoke to a child who threw a candy paper on the floor. The mother did not see it, or did not intervene. I did say anything about it. I can imagine that people find that interfering and annoying.”
For our society it is good if we address each other and do not close our eyes and leave everyone on his island. “But don’t cross the boundaries of parents, and certainly don’t fight it over the head of their children.”
As a parent you have to let go of the idea that your own way of parenting is the best, thinks anthropologist Van Voorst. “That is not the case. Just think of the mothers who do not give their husbands any room in the care of their child because they think they can do the best. Your child does not benefit from that, he benefits from seeing different habits, norms and values.”
It doesn’t all have to be your way, both think. Van Voorst: “Let a neighbor give your child a candy, send your child to stay. Involve others in love for your child and the upbringing. You will be amazed how much they want to contribute. Even if it is only half an afternoon; it enriches your child’s life. And that of others!”
It may be a bit hard to swallow when a mother rebukes your child in the schoolyard. Or when the neighbor secretly gives your child a candy. And just picking up an unknown baby because it is crying is really not done. Who is allowed to interfere with the upbringing of your child?
In Congo There, A Tribe Where All Mothers Raise Each Other’s Babies, Says Future Anthropologist Roanne van Voorst. That is useful, because a baby drinks a lot and often in the first months. If a grandmother, aunt or neighbor can take over a feeding, that relieves the mother.
That is unthinkable in the west. “That feels like crossing a border. Breastfeeding here is something mother and child, even feeding in public is Sometimes complicated. But when I travel to Thailand or Indonesia, they just take my cryrying child out of the stroller to comfort her.”
Breastfeeding Each Other’s Children was a normal paid professional in the Netherlands only a few generations ago, Says van Voorst. Now we live in a time and culture in which we Attach Great Value to Individual Choices, Says The Anthropologist. “That makes it difficult for us to interfere.”
Criticism often Makes Parents Insecure
Young Parents can sigh a lot when a grandmother sayss: “Leave your child with me for a week, then you see how well she eats and listens.”
“That’s not nice to hear either,” Says educationalist Marlies Rekers. “It degrades you as a parent, and maybe you’re already insecure about that. Moreover, Strange Eyes can be compelling, which Sometimes Makes Children Quickly adapt to the norms of another.”
We no longer live in a community with neighbors who have live next to each other for generations, with aunts, uncles, grandpas and grandmas who give give advice, take over for a while, from whom you can learn the art of parenting.
In general, we sit in our own bubble, in our own unit of the nuclear family and show our best side to the outside world. Van Voorst: “Ify some then gives criticism, or advice, we or find that difficult. Why? We think then. Don’t you think I’m good mother? The advice or interference is not embedded in trust.” While it can also provide relief if a neighbor laughs away a tantrum or our Toddler. That makes it all a bit less heavy.
The Lack of A Community is Sometimes QUITE A LOSS, REKERS ALSO THINKS. “If only you and your partner are allowed to correct the children, there is a good chance that they will not be interested in the comments of other adults and sometimes even react ruddy to them.”
Van Voorst recently wrote the book Life makes hope , in which Famous Dutch People with Young Children Fantasize About The Future. The need for a community is there, she notices. Think of Co-Housing, Parents Starting A Daycare Together or Wanting to Give Home Education Together. “Young Parents are searching. That lonely way of raising children has Disadvantages, as special if we all still have to work.”
Secretly We do want Advice, Van Voorst Thinks. “But only from people who we think are wise and who have a lot of experience. People who have read a lot and know. And preferential from people who think something that we already think a little bit irselves.”
When is interference justified? Addressing Someone Else’s Child if they are kicking or Hitting? Yes, then you as an outsider are Allowed to Interfere, Reker Thinks. “I recently spoke to a child who threw a candy wrapper on the ground. The mother dide it, or did, but didn’t intervene. I say something. I can imagine that people find that meddlesome and annoying.”
For our society it is good if we address each other and do not close our eyes and leave everyone on their Island. “But do not cross the boundaries of parents, and certainly do not fight it out above the heads of their children.”
As a parent you have to let go of the idea that your own way of raising children is the best, Thinks Anthropologist Van Voorst. “That’s not the case. Just think of the mothers who don’t give their Husband Any Space in the care of their child Because They Think They Do It Best Themselves. That Doesn’t Do Your Child Any Good, Norms and Values.”
It Doesn’t all have to be your way, They Both Think. Van Voorst: “Let a Neighbor give your child a candy, send your child to stay overnight. Involve Others in the love for your child and the upbringing. You will be amazed at how much they want to contribute the life or it and it and it and it and it and it and it and it and Others! “