Men and women are equally capable of sexual arousal and orgasm. Yet, men climax (much) more often than women. These sexologists explain what can inhibit women from achieving an orgasm.
‘The little death,’ the French call the female orgasm. “There is absolutely nothing for a moment. A part of the brain is briefly switched off. No thoughts or emotions: there is only that overwhelming explosion of that cocktail of hormones and ultimate relaxation,” says sexologist and psychologist Eveline Stallaart.
Biologically speaking – apart from rare anatomical abnormalities of the genitals, for example – everyone can in principle have an orgasm, says gynecologist and sexologist Inge Custers. “But sex is not just about biologically well-functioning bodies. Sex is not that easy.”
If you have almost reached an orgasm but just don’t quite make it, that can cause a lot of negative emotions, says Stallaart. “If an orgasm fails to occur, women often interpret that negatively for themselves. ‘I’m not good in bed’ or ‘I’m broken’. That’s nonsense.”
Road to orgasm blocked
The road to an orgasm goes through different stages, according to Custers. “If there are the right sexual stimuli during partner sex and your brain registers them as pleasant and arousing, then various physical reactions usually follow: the clitoris is swollen, similar to the penis, the vulva and vagina are moist and well-perfused, and the heart rate and breathing increase.”
“If the stimuli continue to increase and you feel comfortable, then this phase of increasing arousal and desire can lead to a plateau phase, which can result in an orgasm,” Custers continues.
“That plateau phase is a kind of *point of no return*. Also in partner sex, the plateau phase and the orgasm are fairly soloistic phases; you are mainly focused on your own pleasure and sensations, you shut yourself off a bit from what is happening around you.”
Anxiety, guilt, and a heterosexual script
There can be blocks in the way to experiencing pleasurable sex and focusing on yourself and your own pleasure, says the gynecologist. What are those? Social beliefs about the pleasure of women, cultural influences, feelings of guilt, feelings of inferiority, fear of an STI or pregnancy, Custers says.
“Women suffer more than men from the traditional, heterosexual script that has been passed on to us through upbringing, religion, and culture. That script says that the man primarily initiates, a woman does not behave too erotically, and penis-in-vagina sex is the basis. In that script, a woman often draws the short straw.”
This is the orgasm gap
It is a fact that men have an orgasm more often when they have sex with a woman than the woman does. That’s called the orgasm gap. We are dealing with a persistent gender orgasm gap that is repeatedly demonstrated. Research from 2019, for example, showed that in *casual sex*, 82 percent of men reported having had an orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter. For the women in the study, that was 32 percent. In recent Dutch research, 85 percent of men indicated that they usually or always have an orgasm during sex, compared to 49 percent of the women.
Stallaart confirms the overvaluation of penetrative sex. “It is normal that you don’t orgasm from a penis in your vagina. Almost all women need more stimulation of the clitoris, by a hand or mouth or toy.”
To reach an orgasm, the right setting is important for many women. But also the right person, no hindrance by things like guilt or fear of pregnancy, good communication, attention to the erogenous zones AND the right stimulation of the clitoral apparatus.
“We say apparatus, because the clitoris, contrary to what many people still think, is not an organ the size of a pea,” Custers explains. “It is a large, complex system of erectile tissue. In the early development of an embryo, the glans and erectile tissue of the penis are built from exactly the same structures as the clitoris and the erectile tissue in women.”
Anatomy of the clitoris
Man’s ego plays a major role
A woman’s ability to reach an orgasm is closely related to the man’s ego, Stallaart explains. The researchers of a large-scale Canadian study also say that: The most common concern in the absence of a female orgasm is the negative impact this could have on the ego of the male partner, they state in their recommendations.
Stallaart: “It sounds stupid, but men like to have that pat on the back, and sex is often about whether or not you get an orgasm. If a woman has not yet come, she feels that it must happen quickly. Otherwise she has failed. The more you get in your head, the further away an orgasm is.”
Faking an orgasm is completely understandable, the sexologist says. If you are almost there but you can’t surrender, you are blocking, or your arousal is not great enough, then it is not pleasant if the stimulation continues. “That’s going to hurt. With a faked orgasm you get rid of it. But you go immensely past your own pleasure. That’s such a shame.”
Masturbate often and a lot
Don’t forget that men are not sex robots, Stallaart says: they too can have a bad day and not come. “The fact is that it is easier for men. They often start masturbating young – logical if you consider that a dick is within easy reach all day. As a boy, you are more likely to touch it.”
“It’s different with girls. I hear adult women say: I never masturbate, why would I, I’m not pathetic or lonely? They are also in my office for help.”
Men react more easily to visual sexual stimuli and the physical reaction to that is immediately visible, Custers explains. “In women, there are often more different stimuli needed to achieve sufficient arousal. But women are just as capable of sexual arousal and orgasms as men.”
According to both sexologists, there is one golden tip: masturbate often and a lot. It relaxes you, you get to know yourself well, you practice getting an orgasm and learn what you need. Stallaart: “The clitoris is the only organ we have that has no function other than your pleasure. Make use of it.”
Sexuality is not a basic need like food and sleep, says gynecologist Custers. “*Use it or lose it*. Your sexuality can fade. That’s a shame. It relaxes you, it creates connection, it clears your head and you sleep better. The more often you have an orgasm, the more often you want one.”