Mart Hoogkamer was candid this week about the broken contact with his father. The Hazesjes have also told several times about the break with their mother Rachel. What does it actually mean to distance your parents?
Our loyalty to our parents is so powerful that we sometimes prefer to tolerate the pain of contact than we dare to say: I don’t want this anymore. “The contact breaking usually does not happen in a spontaneous moment in which the door is closed. That happens after hundreds of thousands of times the impact of contact with your parents and that it can no longer tolerate,” says Lamberte Pierik therapist, specialized in relationship and family therapy.
Avoiding or breaking contact seems the only solution, even if the impact is large and may be underestimated. Pierik: “Whoever breaks contact with his parents hurts himself a lot. It is a desperate act of someone who can no longer live with that contact with the parents.”
“Often the cause is not with an incident or fight in adulthood, but it comes from childhood,” says Pierik. “Perhaps someone has had to deal with neglect, addiction, manipulative behavior or abuse. Or there were high expectations or too little room for maneuver. If you get older and you get children or other intimate relationships, then people can start thinking: what happened in the past? What have my parents done? What do I think is so difficult, because our loyality is great.”
‘We want a pure, sincere parent’
Parents are not perfect. That is not what children demand, family therapist Phineke Tielenius Kruythoff explains. She treats families, couples and individuals in her practice. “We want a pure, sincere parent who talks to you at your child level. To whom you can mirror yourself, with whom you feel safe. But unfortunately there are parents who cannot give it, and who cannot recover it either.”
And that recovering is important; If there is a disruption in the relationship, it must be followed by a repair. This is called Match, Mismatch and Repair in Developmental Psychology. “If you always get a blow in contact, and your father or mother will not come back to it, it can lead to a loss of trust. The feeling that injustice and disappointment are accumulating.” Until you can’t stand it anymore.
“Something touches you so that you are going to avoid the contact. I invite people to talk about it. That can be very difficult. Sometimes we prefer to keep our hands in front of our eyes as if it is a scary film. It can be that intolerable.”
Nobody wants to hurt their own children, but it happens plenty, Pierik knows. “By misleading children, protecting them too much, recovering their own pain on children. Children fall over the stones that their parents have not picked up on their own way. This is how patterns arise.”
Why parents do their children wrong
If you have been deficient by your parents for a long time, it may happen that you start projecting your parents’ behavior to others. On a partner, your own children or innocent third parties. “That is what we call destructive justice. The result is that a parent who is totally innocent, is injured. It is very nasty, but unknowingly someone feels sufficient reason to be able to do their own child.”
If parents have personality problems, trauma, cannot empathize with someone else or not wanting to listen, breaking the contact can be a relief, says both Pierik and Tielenius Kruythoff. Pierik: “A temporary relief, no extremely liberation. It always keeps hurting.”
If your parent remains unpredictable and destructive and there are no ways to start a conversation, it can help to discover in therapy what your parents’ story is. This way you can find out why you did what he or she did to give it a place. “Then the loyalty might flow freely again.”
Getting to know yourself is, according to Pierik, the biggest gift that you can give to your children as a parent if they are still young. Talk to a therapist about how you are formed. “Perfect families don’t exist. But you can take care of open communication and say sorry.”
Also try to listen carefully to your child. Pierik: “It is good if your child is allowed to tell you has missed in his or her childhood. Then something precisely arises.”
Mart Hoogkamer was open this week about the broken contact with his father. The Hazes Family Have also repeatedly spoken about the break with their Mother, Rachel. What does it actual mean to distance yourself from your parents?
Our loyalty to our pearts is so powerful that we are some prefer to endure the pain of contact rather than dare to say: I don’t want this anymore. “Breaking contact usually doessn’tn’t snaps in a spontaneous moment where the is slammed shut. It happens after hundreds of thousands of times or time the impact of contact with your parents and not bee to bear it anymore,” Says therapist therapist pierik.
Avoiding or Breaking Contact Seems Like the Only Solution, just Thought the Impact is Great and May Be Underestimated. Pierik: “Whoever breaks contact with Their Parents is hurting Themselves a lot. It is an act of desperation by some who can no longer live with that contact with the parents.”
“Often The Cause is not an incident or argument in adulthood, But Comes from Childhood,” Says Pierik. “Perhaps Someone has experienced niglect, addiction, manipulative behavior, or abuse. Or there were very high expectations or too little room to maneuver. As you get oldder and have children or othher intimate relationships, people may? I think of this?
‘We want a pure, sincere parent’
Parents are not perfect. Children Don’t Want that Either, Explains Family Therapist Phineke Tielenius Kruythoff. She treats families, couples and individuals in her practice. “We want a pure, sincere parent who talks to you at your child level. Someone to mirror yourself in, some you feel safe with but unfortunately there are parents who canot give that, and who canot repair it either.”
And that repairing is important; If there is a disruption in the relationship, it must be followed by a repair. That is called match, mismatch and repair in developmental psychology. “If you get a knock in the contact every time, and your father or mother Doesn’t come back to it, that can lead to a loss of trust. The feel that injustice and disappointment are piling up.” Until you can’t take it anymore.
“Something touches you so much that you start to avoid contact. I invite people to talk about it. That can be very difficult. Sometimes we prefer to keep our hands over our eyes if it were a scary movie. It can be that unbearable.”
Nobody Wants To Hurt Their Own Children, But It Happens A Lot, Pierik Knows. “By grudging children Things, protecting them too much, count of own pain on children. Children fall over the stones that their parents have not picked up on their own path. That’s how patterns arise.”
Why Parents Do Injustice to Their Children
If you have leg shortchanged by your parents for a long time, it may happen that you start projecting the behavior of your parents onto others. On a partner, your own children or innocent third parties. “We call that destructive law. The result is that a parent does injustice to his children, who are complementary innocent. It is very nasty, but unconsciously some feels sufficient reas to be allowed to shortchangere as well.”
If Parents Have Personality Problems, Trauma, Cannot Empathize with Another Person or Do Not Want To Listen, Breaking Off Contact Can Be A Relief, Say Both Pierik and Tielenius Kruythoff. Pierik: “A temporary relief, not an ancient liberation. It always hurts.”
If your parent remains unpredictable and destructive and there are no ways to start a conversation, it can help to discover the story of your areas in therapy. This way you can find out Why your parent did what he or she did, to give it a place. “Then Loyalty May Flow Freely Again.”
Getting to know yourself is, Accordance to Pierik, The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Children as A Parent When they are Still Young. Talk to a therapist about how you were formed. “Perfect families don’t exist. But you can ensure open communication and say sorry.”
Try to listen carefully to your child as well. Pierik: “It is good if your child is allowed to tell you what he or she missed in his or her Youth. Then something precious arises.”