Contrary to popular belief, research shows that we are not attracted to our opposites but to people who are like us. NU.nl asked experts: what makes you feel attracted to someone?
“Scientists have now concluded that in the first phase of attraction, our body is in charge,” says Tila Pronk. She researches love and dating during her work as an associate professor at Tilburg University and wrote the book Hartstocht.
“You probably recognize that you can sometimes be physically attracted to a certain person,” she says. “You feel nervous and excited and we can measure that: your heart rate goes up, your blood pressure rises and your pupils get bigger.”
After your body comes your head. “Then come the explanations. For example, someone has a nice laugh. But it can also be the other way around that someone is very nice on paper, but you still don’t feel that connection.” Pronk emphasizes that if that feeling is not there, it does not mean that it cannot come anyway.
The relationship with your parents has a major influence on who you like
Dineke van Kooten, personal development coach and author of the book De fik erin. On the way to a fiery relationship, also sees this. She says that who you are attracted to has a lot to do with the relationship you had with your parents in the past. According to her, there are three options:
As you develop, you discover what your motives are and what drives you, Van Kooten explains. “So it may well be that you realize that you are unconsciously looking for certain partners who may not be good for you at all. You can do it differently, but only if you realize what you are doing and where it comes from.”
Be curious about each other
That romantic click that people are looking for and hoping for is not always there immediately. You don’t have to give up: it can still come, Van Kooten thinks. Then you have to be curious about each other. “We are made wise in books and films. As a result, we pin ourselves down to a certain idea.”
“Just think about it: how often in your life are you immediately fond of something? And it also depends on what type you are. If you are more even, you will not fall in love immediately. So we must get rid of the idea of butterflies in the stomach and that something must be fun immediately, and instead give it a chance to grow.”
A personal click can also follow as you see someone more often, says Pronk. “And with that, the attraction can also grow, if you just give it a chance.”
She compares it to making a fire. “You can do that by immediately collecting a piece of newspapers and throwing it into the fire. Then you get a big fire all at once, but that also goes out again. While you can enjoy it longer if you slowly collect wood and throw it into the fire.”
Hormones play a role
And we can fool our bodies, Pronk knows. “For example, by looking for an exciting situation. Watch an exciting movie together or ride a roller coaster. You put your body in a state of nervousness and tension. That makes the chance greater that a spark will still jump over during that date.”
When it comes to initial sexual attraction, only physical excitement plays a role, she says. “That excitement can come from the other person’s good looks, but also from the exciting situation you are in (for example, being stuck in an elevator together, or if that person already has a partner).”
“Other factors have virtually no influence. So whether you are very similar to someone in terms of personality, interests or other preferences: it has no influence on that first attraction.” Van Kooten sees that lust is also about your hormones. That happens unconsciously, she says. “Think about how someone smells or moves, you may find that attractive.”
And good to know: spraying perfume is not necessary. If you want to attract a good partner, you better let nature take its course. The secret of attraction is also in our sweat droplets.