The majority of students who took their final exams in the first period will hear this Thursday whether they have passed. Waiting for the results is very nerve-wracking. How do you keep those nerves of yours and your child under control? “Don’t fight it.”
Waiting for the phone call about whether your child has passed or not can be terrible. “I didn’t know that as a parent I would be so nervous,” writes reader Angela to NU.nl. Reader Esther also notices it. “There is more tension in me than in my son.”
It is very logical that you as a parent are also tense, emphasizes educationalist-generalist and child psychologist Daniëlle Goedhart-Bax. It also doesn’t help to fight that tension. “Then it becomes a kind of pink elephant that you don’t want to think about, but you do.”
Family therapist Sabine Hooijer also says that suppressing nerves does not help. “You feel them anyway. You can certainly mention that you find it exciting.” But sharing that you are also nervous is different from pouring a waterfall of emotions over your child. “For a child, you are the pillar of support. Take your own tension to someone else, such as your partner.”
Young people feel very well that you as a parent also find it exciting, say both Hooijer and Goedhart-Bax. “The problem of the parent should never be the problem of the child,” says Hooijer. If you yourself are running around like a headless chicken, that is contagious, adds Goedhart-Bax. “Try to stay calm.”
Discover what your child needs
But how do you do that? “Every child likes involvement,” says Goedhart-Bax. “For example, ask what time they will be called. It is a kind of gesture that you can wait together. But if a young person doesn’t want that, don’t keep hammering on it.”
If a child wants your help, you will hear that automatically, the experts say. “Keep it light and ask at the beginning of the day how it is going,” says Hooijer. “Put your child first in the conversation. Don’t make the tone too heavy and don’t start with difficult questions. Instead, follow your child’s story. You don’t want to make it more intense than it is.”
Maybe your child is not bothered by anything at all. Not all children are equally nervous. If you interfere too much, you will only create more tension or distance. “Then your child will sit alone in his room, for example, while he doesn’t actually want to,” says Hooijer.
Have you just taken an exam yourself and have a parent who interferes a lot? Try to say it. “You don’t have to take into account the nerves of your parents, you have enough of yourself,” says Hooijer. “Assess for yourself what you feel like and say it if you can’t handle something.”
How to endure those hours of waiting
You can’t help but sit out those hours until you know the result. But you can make it more bearable. Several NU.nl readers told how they approach it. For example, parents stay at home and provide distraction, for example with games.
That helps, according to Goedhart-Bax, to stay calm at an exciting moment. The child psychologist advises choosing an activity where you need your head and hands, such as the game Twister. If you do something with your head, you still experience physical restlessness. And if you do something with your body, you still experience mental restlessness. An activity where you use both your hands and your head distracts both your head and body.
“Even if you haven’t drawn for years: make a drawing,” Goedhart-Bax gives as an example. “Or bake a cake. Then you immediately have something nice to share.”
Other readers advise to make the time pass faster for your feeling. “We are going out for breakfast together. Once home, the morning is almost over,” tips reader Margo. The son of reader Hugo likes to sleep in. “Preferably he lies in his bed until 12 o’clock. We will let him lie down this morning.”
It can also help to spend the day as much as a ‘normal day’ as possible. Several readers do this. Especially in exciting events, it is good to maintain routine, says Goedhart-Bax. “Do you walk with the dog at 8 o’clock in the morning? Keep doing that,” she says. “Holding on to your rhythm gives you support and support.”
Celebrate or grieve together
Hopefully your child will receive the relieving phone call in the afternoon that the diploma is in and you can celebrate it. But if your child has failed, according to Goedhart-Bax, you do not have to brush away the feelings of you or your child. “It would be very strange if you are not disappointed or sad. Your child has worked hard on something and has not achieved that.”
“I would first grieve together,” says Goedhart-Bax. “Coming up with solutions right away is annoying. You want there to be room to feel bad. When you have calmed down, you can look ahead again and think about possible retakes and the following year. But regardless of the outcome, show that you are proud. It’s about the process.”