Your nine-year-old child still in your bed? “My choice, my reality,” says presenter Yolanthe Cabau, who realizes that many people judge it. Why do we actually think something of it? And do you do your child a favor with it?
Cabau’s story is especially inspiring, according to educationalist and author Loes Waanders; Cabau, as a celebrity, speaks openly about her insecurities and doubts as a parent.
“She is actually saying: ‘I am also just trying to find a way that works for us, I am a single mother and sometimes feel insecure’. That is incredibly valuable,” Waanders thinks. “Whether it’s about sleep behavior or something else: every parent recognizes this in some way. And you are really not the only one who doubts and struggles with parenting: even a celebrity with money and fame does.”
All parenting choices must be seen in context, says Waanders. No, it is not common to sleep with a nine-year-old in bed, but in many cultures it is the most normal thing in the world. “This mother takes care of her son on her own and travels a lot. In that context, it is quite logical that she deviates from our norms regarding sleep behavior. Let’s be careful not to over-problematize.”
Sleeping together is not the norm in the Netherlands, and deviating from the norm makes us insecure, says Waanders. “Does a neighbor, acquaintance or well-known person do it differently than most people? Then an alarm goes off in our brain: something doesn’t fit into the picture and so we have to disapprove of it.” The doubt and insecurity that Cabau describes come from that norm and that disapproval, not from the sleep situation itself. “It is precisely super inspiring and powerful that she dares to choose what works for her and her child.”
Plan B is always possible
If the situation changes, you can look at that choice again, says Waanders. If it hinders development – for example, your child cannot go on school camp or cannot sleep anywhere else anymore – then you can reconsider that choice. Or if you see that your child cannot develop his or her skills. “And a third indication is if it no longer feels good for yourself or your child. Then it is time for plan B, even if that is difficult for your child.”
Ewelina de Groot is a sociologist and works as a child sleep coach. She would like to normalize sleeping together, even with older children. According to De Groot, there are several reasons why children want to sleep with their parents. “Nightmares, being afraid in the dark, not being able to fall asleep alone, or not being able to sleep through the night.”
That choice is personal. “There is nothing wrong with cuddling with your child in bed, or putting them next to you if they are not feeling well or need to be comforted,” emphasizes the child sleep coach. “But keep in mind that it is important that your child also feels safe in his or her own bed and not just in your bed.”
Fifty minutes less sleep
The sleep coach sees both the advantages and disadvantages of sleeping with older children. “I think there are circumstances in which co-sleeping can help parents, especially in the short term.”
If your child wakes up often and has to be put back to bed repeatedly at night, or is awake very early in the morning, it may be useful to take him or her into your bed.” That can give a family the immediate rest it needs, says De Groot. “And it also does not prevent your child from developing their own, independent and healthy sleeping habits.”
There are also disadvantages of co-sleeping with older children, says the child sleep coach. “It can affect our own sleep as parents.” They usually wake up more often, sleep lighter or wake up earlier, according to research from 2018 by the University of Maryland. Mothers who slept with toddlers lost an average of 51 minutes of sleep per night.
Women are judged quite harshly if they make a different choice, Waanders thinks. “I wonder what is said if a father sleeps with his children. I suspect something like ‘oh, how sweet’.”
“Don’t forget that as a parent you really can’t give too much love. You can’t cuddle too much, spend too much time together. You don’t spoil a child by too much proximity. You can take over too much, and that can have consequences for development. But too much love? That doesn’t exist.”