In 2024, slightly more than three thousand people stopped being foster parents, a 30 percent increase compared to the previous year. Behind these figures lie difficult care situations, inadequate help, and emotional burden. NU.nl spoke with two former foster parents.
Mark* and his partner decided to become foster parents after a failed adoption procedure. “In 2013, we temporarily cared for a foster son, which gave us a lot of satisfaction. That experience led us to officially register as foster parents.”
He says that they didn’t want to be “a hotel” for children, but a real foster family. They cared for twins for three years. “It felt like a huge enrichment: parent-teacher conferences, the schoolyard, and children’s parties. And gratitude that you can relieve the children’s parents.”
But over time, it became increasingly difficult. The children had more behavioral problems, and contact with their biological family increasingly got out of hand. “You notice that the pressure increases. The children were caught between two worlds: they wanted to have a good time with us, but missed their parents very much,” says Mark. “Especially when they got a mobile phone, things sometimes got completely out of hand.”
Eventually, Mark and his partner stopped when their foster daughter needed specialized care and repeatedly ran away. For example, she was once picked up by a half-sister and brought back by the police after a traffic stop. “That uncertainty broke us. Emotionally, we couldn’t handle this anymore.”
Mark also noticed that the guidance provided by foster care was inadequate, partly due to excessive workload. “Foster care workers had too many families under their care. We kept getting new employees, making it difficult to build a relationship of trust.”
According to Mark, the situation at their supervising foster care agency was so serious that the inspection had to intervene. “Instead of the permitted 12 to 15 files, there were sometimes as many as 25 per employee.”
Yet Mark calls foster care an enrichment. But he believes that improvements are needed. “More trust in foster parents and less bureaucracy.”
‘It was chaos’
Anneke* and her husband were also foster parents for many years. Their first foster children came to live with the family as young girls of four and five years old. “We had space in our house and our hearts. It felt like the girls were our own children. They blended into the family.” Anneke says that the girls lived in a crisis foster family for nine months before that. “As a result, they got an extra ‘bonus grandpa and grandma’ nearby.”
But around puberty, it became more difficult. For example, Anneke talks about threats with a knife. The children also used weed and alcohol and were suspended from school. “It was chaos.”
Because Anneke and her husband fell under foster parent guardianship, they – just like biological parents – had to arrange almost everything themselves. “You are then fairly alone, while as a foster parent you actually need more support.” During crisis situations, she experienced that help was slow in coming. “Why isn’t there a hotline that takes immediate action?”, Anneke wonders.
Eventually, the foster children were placed under supervision and placed in closed youth care. Anneke calls the guidance in her municipality “involved”, but according to her, national policy is lacking. “Why did we have to seek help from the alderman with an emergency call?”
Looking back, Anneke wants to recover first. “I’m approaching a burn-out, but I’m still open to short-term care. Love alone is not enough. Foster parents must be well prepared for the intensity and there must be a stronger safety net.”
Anneke emphasizes that foster care can mainly succeed if it takes place with the consent of the biological parents, for example in the case of temporary care. “When parents don’t support it, extra tension and uncertainty quickly arise in the child.”