A partner who snores and moves a lot: it can keep you awake at night. But even if your partner isn’t there, you can experience sleep problems. What can you do if you can’t sleep without or with your partner?
“There are many reasons why people can’t sleep next to their partner,” says Bert Lenaert, assistant professor of lifespan psychology at the Open University. Lenaert researches, among other things, fatigue and sleep.
“Often one of the couple has trouble falling asleep, which the other is bothered by,” says Lenaert. “For example, someone falls asleep later and starts focusing on the other person’s breathing or snoring. Your sleep rhythm can also clash if you are a morning person while your partner is more of an evening person.”
If you sleep lightly, your partner will wake you up more quickly. “One person is more susceptible to developing sleep problems than the other,” says sleep scientist Merijn van de Laar. According to him, insomnia is common. If you suffer from this, you have difficulty falling asleep and wake up often or early.
“Your REM sleep is then disturbed earlier and you can wake up more quickly,” says Van de Laar. “You can then be stimulated more quickly by your environment during that REM sleep. For example, a partner who snores and turns a lot will wake you up.”
What is REM sleep?
While sleeping, you go through several sleep cycles. For an average adult, one sleep cycle lasts about an hour and a half. It starts with the falling asleep phase and then you get light sleep, deep sleep (non-REM) and REM sleep. REM stands for rapid eye movement.
In the first half of the night you have a lot of deep sleep. “Then the sleep takes care of the recovery of your body,” says sleep expert and practitioner Carinha Uytterhoeven. “For example, cells that need to be repaired and replaced and the production of hormones.”
REM sleep is more for your brain. “In it you process, among other things, what you have experienced during the day. This phase focuses on storing information in long-term memory and is important for emotional recovery.”
‘Partner gives feeling of safety’
But even if your partner doesn’t sleep next to you, you may have trouble falling asleep. “Sleeping is related to habits, just like it is with eating,” says Van de Laar. “For example, when and how we do it. If the way we do something changes, it can have an effect. Your partner gives you a feeling of safety and security. If that person is suddenly not there, you may sleep less well.”
Often people think they sleep better when they lie next to their partner, but that is not actually true, Lenaert knows. “Someone feels that way because sharing a bed provides intimacy and that safe feeling. But people who sleep together actually have slightly less deep sleep on average and wake up more often than when they sleep alone. However, couples who sleep together probably have just a little more REM sleep.”
There is still a bit of a taboo on sleeping separately, says the assistant professor. But both Lenaert and Van de Laar say that having your own bed can be the solution. And it can even do your relationship good.
No sleep divorce, but sleep commitment
“For sleeping separately you sometimes hear the negative term sleep divorce,” says Van de Laar. “But it is actually more of a sleep commitment. People who sleep better become nicer, more attractive and fitter. That is also nice for your partner.”
“It can even put pressure on your relationship if you keep sleeping badly and think it’s because of your partner,” says Lenaert. “Sleeping separately temporarily or some nights of the week is also a good idea. For example, try it once if you have an important appointment the next day.”
If your partner does prefer to sleep together, this may take some getting used to. “Then make agreements with each other,” says Lenaert. “You don’t have to sleep separately for the rest of your life. Are there concerns about intimacy? Then start that conversation and make sure you make room for it.”
Separate mattresses and earplugs
There are also other tips you can try to lie next to each other anyway. “Try to go to bed around the same time,” tips Van de Laar. “That way you don’t wake each other up.”
Sleep expert Carinha Uytterhoeven advises trying two mattresses and duvets. “If you both lie under a separate blanket, you will no longer be awakened by your partner’s movements,” says Uytterhoeven.
“And if it’s more about snoring, have your partner see a doctor to find out the cause,” adds the sleep expert. “You can choose to sleep with earplugs if you are bothered by ambient noise.”
Lenaert also advises to investigate whether there are things that cause stress, for example a stressful situation at work. “Sleeping next to a partner can reduce stress because it feels safe,” he says. “But if there are relationship problems, this can lead to more stress that keeps you awake at night. Dare to tell your partner that you are sleeping badly because of this and discuss this with each other.”
‘Don’t be too hard on yourself’
Do you have trouble falling asleep when your partner isn’t there? “Then put a piece of clothing with your partner’s scent in your bed,” says Van de Laar. “This sounds like a special tip, but it also works for children if they can’t sleep without their parents. That scent can give safety and security as if your partner is with you.”
Also, don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t fall asleep if your partner is away for a week, for example. “Then pay extra attention to general sleep advice, such as making your room dark enough and putting your alarm clock out of sight,” says Lenaert. “But tell yourself in advance that you will probably sleep less that week and that that is fine. That can be a helpful thought.”