Do you always join the annual family weekend around Ascension Day and Pentecost? How do you keep a weekend away with brothers, sisters, partners, children, grandparents, and in-laws enjoyable? Or at least as enjoyable as possible.
Tip 1: Provide Light and Air
The old nuclear family – you with your parents and now adult brothers and sisters – has shaped you into who you are today, says Frits Westhof, family coach at FamilySupporters Amsterdam. A weekend together in that warm old nest can be stifling for some, and it can rekindle old conflicts and sensitivities. And so a valuable piece of advice: bring light and air.
“Families can really find it difficult to be back in that situation from the past, with all those sensitivities. But at the same time, they can also experience: this is where I belong, this is my origin. They feel that blood bond and find it incredibly valuable.”
The child in you wants to react as you used to, but you have that in your own hands. “Change starts with yourself. Be aware of your sensitivities; that also gives the other person – your brother, your sister, or your mother – the chance to react differently. Keep it light and remember: I don’t want to win an argument, I want to have a good time together.”
Tip 2: Choose A Task For Yourself
If you dread being in the company of your family for three, four, or even five days, then it might be a good idea to think of a task for yourself. Elsbeth Teeling, who founded the Club van Relaxte Moeders (Club of Relaxed Mothers), suggests the role of cook or photographer. Or the person who sets out a fun scavenger hunt for the children or organizes a pub quiz or a variety show.
“It can be long days if you have to sit them out so helplessly. If you like to cook, then it’s great to be the one who’s stirring the pots all weekend. Or hide behind your camera and say in advance that you’re the photographer for the weekend.”
Tip 3: Consider Whether You Really Want To To
What are your tips for a successful family weekend, we asked NU.nl readers? Don’t do it, says user Tegenwind: after every weekend, the family is a little smaller again. User Koodzjek is also not a fan: “In my opinion, the best way to spend a family weekend is to prevent it from happening.”
Mikey92: “The best tip is just don’t do it. Way too obligatory, all the quirks come out. The slightly too touchy uncle. The too much drinking aunt. Just skip it.” Not exactly fans of family weekends then.
Time is precious, says Teeling. “If you already have a lot of trouble preventing arguments at a birthday or visit, there’s a good chance that it will happen during such a weekend.” Do you really want to do that to yourself and your children? Be realistic about what you can handle. Come for a day, or an afternoon.”
We want everything to be fun and Instagrammable, says Westhof. “That’s not always the case, of course. If being together with your family really causes you a lot of stress, then it’s more honest to say: I’m not coming this year. Maybe later. Save yourself the classic Christmas dramas during Easter.”
Tip 4: Exectations versus reality
The tip from educationalist Loes Waanders is to check each other’s wishes in advance. “Do that especially if you know that needs differ. If your in-laws prefer to do everything together, consider whether you want that too. Do you eat together? Do you go on trips together? You don’t have to schedule everything tightly, but it is useful to think about this in general terms in advance.”
Be realistic, says Waanders. If you set yourself up for a Happy Family weekend with your own children who are only sweet and cheerful, then that expectation will probably not come true. “Keep in mind that your child also has their tantrums there and that you may be annoyed by your family’s parenting practices. Such a weekend is fun for children, but also intense. And that can lead to faster frustrations.”
Tip 5: Put on your parents ‘or in-laws’ Glasses for a Moment
Parenting advice from family is a common annoyance, says Waanders. “They very often come from good intentions. Your parents or in-laws were raised differently and give tips from that experience. They see you struggling with your child’s behavior and want to help you with good intentions. By looking at parenting tips from that ‘perspective’, you ensure that you don’t get annoyed too quickly.”
Set boundaries if you notice that it leads to too much stress for you or if your child is bothered by it, says Waanders. And then name it from the I-form. “So say: ‘I feel insecure when Dad and you say that I have to raise the boys more strictly, it makes me feel like I’m not doing it right. Instead, it helps me if you take over for a while or just don’t say anything’.”
Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes is more useful than coming up with arguments, says Westhof. “Listen carefully to the other person if you want to solve something. Comfort and recognition do more than coming up with ‘yes, but you’.”